1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:06,049 --> 00:00:08,486 ♪♪ [rock music] 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:13,926 --> 00:00:16,059 [man [man 5 00:00:16,103 --> 00:00:18,540 [indistinct chatter] [laughing] 6 00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:22,152 [male emcee] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 7 00:00:22,196 --> 00:00:24,111 Doug Benson! 8 00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:26,939 [audience applauding, cheering] 9 00:00:40,388 --> 00:00:43,347 [cheering continues] 10 00:01:06,936 --> 00:01:09,069 [cheering continues] 11 00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:17,555 [man] Yeah, Doug! 12 00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,688 Hey, everybody. [laughing] 13 00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,951 [audience cheers] 14 00:01:21,994 --> 00:01:24,910 Welcome to my first ever 15 00:01:24,954 --> 00:01:28,740 one-hour stand-up comedy special. 16 00:01:28,783 --> 00:01:30,351 - Whoo! - Yeah. 17 00:01:30,394 --> 00:01:32,614 [cheering] 18 00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:36,357 And I had to do it here, 19 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:41,231 the beautiful, beautiful Neptune Theatre. 20 00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:44,669 I love this place. I love Seattle. 21 00:01:44,713 --> 00:01:46,497 - Whoo! - Yeah. 22 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:49,021 [cheering, applauding]You guys, 23 00:01:49,065 --> 00:01:51,110 you have a saying here in Seattle. 24 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:54,070 "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes 25 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,377 and then shoot yourself in the face." 26 00:01:59,509 --> 00:02:01,947 Why do people bring their fucking babies 27 00:02:01,991 --> 00:02:06,387 to Bumbershoot or any kind of rock concert? 28 00:02:06,430 --> 00:02:09,172 I know it's outdoors or whatever, bring the whole family. 29 00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:12,567 But when I see a baby with those headphones on-- 30 00:02:12,610 --> 00:02:15,091 When a baby has noise-counseling head-- 31 00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,049 "Noise-counseling."[audience laughs] 32 00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,662 When a baby has headphones that discuss noise-- 33 00:02:20,704 --> 00:02:22,228 [laughing] 34 00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,839 Listen, I'm here to tell you 35 00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:26,755 that this noise you're about to experience, 36 00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,409 young man or lady, 37 00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:32,587 is probably bad for your tiny ears. 38 00:02:32,630 --> 00:02:35,372 Noise-canceling headphones on these kids-- 39 00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:37,809 Like, these kids are just trying to figure out 40 00:02:37,853 --> 00:02:40,334 how to talk and move and speak. 41 00:02:40,377 --> 00:02:44,773 Two of those are the same thing. 42 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:49,603 Children are trying to figure that shit out. 43 00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:53,434 And then they go out for a nice beautiful day with their family 44 00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:56,524 at Lollapalooza or some shit, 45 00:02:56,567 --> 00:03:01,616 and suddenly one of their senses is shut down. 46 00:03:01,659 --> 00:03:04,227 "I can't talk yet, and I've gone deaf. 47 00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:06,229 What do I do? 48 00:03:06,273 --> 00:03:08,840 I'm just tortured in my mind 49 00:03:08,884 --> 00:03:12,627 for an entire afternoon of people dancing around 50 00:03:12,670 --> 00:03:15,325 like it's the best day of their lives 51 00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:17,240 while I sit here and suffer 52 00:03:17,284 --> 00:03:19,503 and cannot explain what's wrong with me, 53 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:22,680 because when I cry they'll just change my diaper 54 00:03:22,724 --> 00:03:25,814 or blow pot in my face so that I'll fall asleep." 55 00:03:28,338 --> 00:03:30,340 At all of my live shows 56 00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:33,561 I like to read tweets from people in the audience 57 00:03:33,603 --> 00:03:36,433 that they've written to me during the day 58 00:03:36,477 --> 00:03:39,088 or just prior to the show starting 59 00:03:39,131 --> 00:03:42,004 just to see, you know, how everybody's doing, 60 00:03:42,047 --> 00:03:43,832 warm up the crowd a little bit. 61 00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:47,314 It's kind of like futuristic crowd work 62 00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:51,274 where I don't have to look you in the eye and speak to you. 63 00:03:51,317 --> 00:03:55,278 I don't have to confront your actual faces, 64 00:03:55,322 --> 00:04:01,545 just your avatar, which is more often than not an egg. 65 00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,852 [laughs] 66 00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,810 When people are critical of me on Twitter 67 00:04:05,854 --> 00:04:08,073 and their avatar is an egg, I just write back: 68 00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:10,250 "Shut up, egg." 69 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:12,121 [audience laughing] 70 00:04:12,164 --> 00:04:15,124 Fuckin' stupid egg. 71 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,821 [laughing] 72 00:04:16,865 --> 00:04:20,781 I'll get tweets from people asking me a question, 73 00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:22,566 and I like to be responsive. 74 00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:25,439 I don't like to ignore people, so I write back and answer. 75 00:04:25,482 --> 00:04:28,355 But then sometimes-- a lot of times, 76 00:04:28,398 --> 00:04:30,226 then that starts a conversation. 77 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,402 They'll write back another question, 78 00:04:32,446 --> 00:04:36,145 like they can just ask me as many questions as they want 79 00:04:36,188 --> 00:04:38,321 for the rest of time. 80 00:04:38,365 --> 00:04:40,367 So the second question, I'll answer it. 81 00:04:40,409 --> 00:04:44,327 But then after that, I write: "Have a good day." 82 00:04:44,371 --> 00:04:49,332 And then when the inevitable third tweet comes at me, 83 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:52,117 I write back to them in all capital letters: 84 00:04:52,161 --> 00:04:54,859 "I SAID GOOD DAY." 85 00:04:54,903 --> 00:04:58,950 [laughs] And it makes me laugh every time. 86 00:04:58,994 --> 00:05:02,911 On their end they might be like, "What a dick." 87 00:05:02,954 --> 00:05:05,870 But on my end it's hilarious. 88 00:05:05,914 --> 00:05:10,919 All right. Where is heyloverLG? 89 00:05:10,962 --> 00:05:14,139 [woman] Here.You're in the balcony? 90 00:05:14,183 --> 00:05:16,098 You wrote... 91 00:05:18,883 --> 00:05:21,930 And my answer is: You're in the balcony. 92 00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:24,193 [audience laughing, applauding] 93 00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,414 Yeah, if my entire career 94 00:05:27,457 --> 00:05:31,243 everyone watched me from that far away, 95 00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:34,290 things would be pretty sweet. 96 00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:41,079 But then when you finally meet me to make love, 97 00:05:41,123 --> 00:05:44,605 you'll be like, "Oh, no. 98 00:05:44,648 --> 00:05:47,216 What have I done?" 99 00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:48,739 Oh, this is awesome. 100 00:05:48,783 --> 00:05:53,222 Where is, uh, PeggyAnnoyed? 101 00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:54,963 [woman] Right here. PeggyAnnoyed. 102 00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,659 Hey, PeggyAnnoyed. 103 00:05:56,704 --> 00:06:01,317 You already sound like you're gonna be hard to deal with. 104 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:05,408 [laughs] It's a perfect name for you 'cause you wrote... 105 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:24,601 I hope you wrote that 'cause you knew I would enjoy it. 106 00:06:24,645 --> 00:06:28,518 I hope you're not really mad at me. 107 00:06:28,562 --> 00:06:33,088 Where is Winnie_thejew? 108 00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:38,136 "Winniethejew"? 109 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,269 That's fun. 110 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:44,578 Hi, Winnie. 111 00:06:44,621 --> 00:06:47,668 [Doug laughing] 112 00:06:47,711 --> 00:06:51,367 Who's that sitting next to you? Racist Rabbit? 113 00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:59,375 Eeyore A. Racist? 114 00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,772 Christopher Robin is not gay, 115 00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:08,428 but that kid really seems like he's headed down that road. 116 00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,387 That Christopher Robin kid always seems to have 117 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:15,347 extremely fashionable shorts on. 118 00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:19,003 He's got jorts on, I think. 119 00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:21,963 So, Winnie-- Can I call you that instead of "thejew"? 120 00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,443 [inaudible]Fair enough. 121 00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,445 You wrote... 122 00:07:33,409 --> 00:07:35,498 "For savings. Love, thejew." 123 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:37,892 No, it says-- 124 00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:46,596 I don't do racial humor. You're dragging me into it. 125 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:51,471 Her mouth is ready "for some laughs." 126 00:07:51,514 --> 00:07:53,777 Yes. [crowd] Aww. 127 00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:55,779 [man] Boo! 128 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:58,913 Boo. Boo! 129 00:08:01,045 --> 00:08:03,744 Fuckin' special's ruined. 130 00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:10,794 We were trying to bring some Seattle cynicism to the mix. 131 00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:15,495 Instead of "We're ready," we wanted to be more like "We'll see." 132 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:25,113 Some of you are starting to think, "Is he gonna do this for the entire show?" 133 00:08:25,156 --> 00:08:27,724 The answer is: Maybe. 134 00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,903 Don't worry, you guys. I have jokes. 135 00:08:32,947 --> 00:08:36,732 Yeah, I brought jokes with me. They're right here... 136 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:38,561 on these little pieces of paper. 137 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:41,303 How high am I right now? 138 00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,740 Thank you for asking. Um... 139 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,308 I'm about a 7.4. 140 00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:48,049 Whoo! Yeah. 141 00:08:48,092 --> 00:08:51,226 On a scale of 1 to 7.4. 142 00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:54,055 [laughing]Yeah, I'm doing all right. 143 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,493 I dressed up tonight for you guys. 144 00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:01,018 I put on my Jim Gaffigan costume. 145 00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:05,283 Yeah, this is what-- If I went out on Halloween as Jim Gaffigan, 146 00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:09,592 I'd wear this and I'd talk about pancakes and pie. 147 00:09:10,854 --> 00:09:12,813 And if I take the jacket off-- 148 00:09:12,856 --> 00:09:15,119 This is a great costume 'cause if I take the jacket off, 149 00:09:15,163 --> 00:09:18,209 it becomes a Louis C.K. costume. 150 00:09:18,253 --> 00:09:19,602 [audience laughing, applauding] 151 00:09:19,646 --> 00:09:22,387 Yeah. 152 00:09:22,431 --> 00:09:25,956 Those guys know how to dress for their bodies. 153 00:09:28,306 --> 00:09:30,787 So do I. 154 00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:34,225 I'm drinking vodka soda. I love vodka. 155 00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:36,924 Whoo! Not as much as marijuana. Settle down. 156 00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:39,361 It was weird it was just on this side, 157 00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:42,625 like an AA meeting wandered in on this side 158 00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,627 and this side was all the drunks, 159 00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,934 and you all got seated accordingly. 160 00:09:46,977 --> 00:09:50,502 I met a woman recently who said that she drinks gin and cranberry. 161 00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:53,593 Does anybody drink that here? Gin and cranberry? You really do? 162 00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:57,031 Do you have a urinary tract infection 163 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,946 and hate things that taste good? 164 00:09:58,989 --> 00:10:02,036 'Cause that's the only combination of things 165 00:10:02,079 --> 00:10:04,125 that could exist in an individual 166 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:07,476 that would draw them to gin and cranberry 167 00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:10,784 as a pleasurable nighttime beverage. 168 00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,570 I like to stop drinking. 169 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,441 I quit drinking, not weed. 170 00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:18,400 People get confused when I use the word "sober." 171 00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:19,749 They think it means quitting weed. 172 00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:22,056 No, I am dedicated to marijuana. 173 00:10:22,099 --> 00:10:25,015 [audience cheering, applauding]Yeah. 174 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:28,671 I quit alcohol for one month every year 175 00:10:28,715 --> 00:10:31,848 just to convince myself that I'm not an alcoholic. 176 00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:36,505 Like, I will not drink for like-- I'll call it Sober September. 177 00:10:36,548 --> 00:10:39,160 Sober October has a nice ring to it. 178 00:10:39,203 --> 00:10:41,641 This year and the year before, I was like, "Fuck it. 179 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:44,687 Let's just do Sober January and get it over with." 180 00:10:44,731 --> 00:10:48,082 And then have way too many cocktails for the Super Bowl 181 00:10:48,125 --> 00:10:50,998 that first wake-- work end-- weekend. 182 00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,653 Whoo! I don't know why I said "work end." 183 00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:56,525 I don't really work for a living. 184 00:10:56,568 --> 00:10:58,745 Am I right, Winnie thejew? 185 00:10:58,788 --> 00:11:02,313 I've just never done the show where I could point to someone 186 00:11:02,357 --> 00:11:04,707 and call them their name plus "the Jew" 187 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:08,711 and not be incredibly offensive. 188 00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:11,061 So I quit smoking-- 189 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:15,805 quit smoking alcohol for one month. 190 00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:19,635 One month every year, I put down the alcohol pipe 191 00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:24,031 and just take it easy for one month. 192 00:11:24,074 --> 00:11:26,120 And it's not easy. 193 00:11:26,163 --> 00:11:29,558 I mean, I think alcohol is more addictive than marijuana. 194 00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,691 But I force myself to get through it 195 00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:35,259 'cause it really makes me feel better about how much I do drink. 196 00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:39,133 And I figure-- I've done it for six or seven years now. 197 00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:41,744 I figure, like, once 12 years have gone by, 198 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:45,095 I'm gonna go to a meeting and say, "Where's my chip?" 199 00:11:45,139 --> 00:11:49,534 Because I'll have one year of sobriety at that point. 200 00:11:49,578 --> 00:11:51,798 And they'll say something like, "That's not how it works." 201 00:11:51,841 --> 00:11:55,410 And I'll say something like, "Fucking give me my goddamn chip. 202 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:59,414 I'm a little drunk right now, celebrating this achievement, 203 00:11:59,457 --> 00:12:01,895 and I want my fucking chip. 204 00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:06,682 And if you don't give me a goddamn chip, I'm gonna eat all of your doughnuts. 205 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,858 But you can have your stupid coffee. 206 00:12:08,902 --> 00:12:13,428 That's a worse addiction than the ones I have." 207 00:12:13,471 --> 00:12:15,212 Coffee's so much worse than marijuana. 208 00:12:15,256 --> 00:12:17,040 I've never woke up in the morning and went, 209 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,477 "If I don't smoke marijuana right now, 210 00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,958 my brain is gonna explode." 211 00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:24,265 It's more like, "If I don't smoke marijuana right now, 212 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,572 it'll seem odd 'cause I do it every goddamn day." 213 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:29,618 [audience laughing] 214 00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:36,016 Does this ever happen? You wake up, 215 00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:39,584 and you look over at your alarm by the side of your bed, 216 00:12:39,628 --> 00:12:44,328 and it's like two minutes until the time that you'd set your alarm to go off? 217 00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:47,810 And you just look at it, and you're just like, "Whoa, I woke up and-- 218 00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:51,292 I woke up two minutes-- Wow." 219 00:12:51,335 --> 00:12:54,208 And then, you know, you're like, "I got two minutes." 220 00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:56,645 You go back to sleep. 221 00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:59,866 And then you lose your job. 222 00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,868 [laughing] 223 00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:11,138 I love the camera flying around during my comedy. 224 00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:14,489 There's a camera just zipping around the room. 225 00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:17,448 It's so crazy because they said, "Do you want a jib for your show?" 226 00:13:17,492 --> 00:13:19,450 And I was like, "What do we need a jib for?" 227 00:13:19,494 --> 00:13:22,149 Look at what it's doing right now. 228 00:13:22,192 --> 00:13:24,238 Like, does that make what's happening funnier? 229 00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:27,676 Like, are my jokes funnier when a camera's flying through the air? 230 00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:30,157 Like, wow, look at this guy. 231 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,812 Jesus. Just won't stop. 232 00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:39,470 I mean, I would hate it-- I would feel bad if you got hit in the head, you guys. 233 00:13:39,514 --> 00:13:44,258 But from my perspective, I can't think of anything funnier right now 234 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:49,045 than to see somebody get clocked in the head by this crazy jib arm. 235 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:52,657 It started way up there. Oh, I love this power. 236 00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,616 [laughing] 237 00:13:54,659 --> 00:13:57,880 I feel like I'm that kid with the Iron Giant. 238 00:13:57,924 --> 00:14:03,016 Okay, jib arm, I need you to kill this guy right here. 239 00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,844 Jib arm, I was kidding. 240 00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:09,022 No, jib arm. Don't do it, jib arm. 241 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:12,503 All right. Get back up there, jib arm. 242 00:14:12,547 --> 00:14:17,726 This is as close as I'll get to being in How To Train Your Dragon. 243 00:14:17,769 --> 00:14:20,990 Toothless. Toothless. 244 00:14:21,034 --> 00:14:23,775 All right. 245 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:25,777 Stop moving. What are you doing? 246 00:14:25,821 --> 00:14:29,172 Why are you doing this to me? All right. 247 00:14:29,216 --> 00:14:31,522 Let me do a joke-- Get the jib back over there 248 00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:36,049 and just do, like, a crazy flying jib shot of me telling the next joke, 249 00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:41,097 and we'll see if everyone thinks that that makes this joke funnier. 250 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:45,275 All right. Here we go. Just go sweeping across as I tell this joke. 251 00:14:45,319 --> 00:14:48,670 You know, it's a good thing emotional scars are invisible 252 00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:51,978 because, if emotional scars were visible, 253 00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:55,329 porn would be disgusting. 254 00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,897 [laughing, cheering] 255 00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:06,601 [laughing] 256 00:15:06,644 --> 00:15:09,299 I think I figured it out. I think I'm just too high 257 00:15:09,343 --> 00:15:13,608 to have a thing flying around the room while I'm telling jokes. 258 00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:16,002 I'm, like, just too conscious of it. 259 00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:20,223 And I knew I would be, so I was like, "Don't bring that goddamn jib in here." 260 00:15:20,267 --> 00:15:22,269 And they're like, "Oh, we're bringing it in. 261 00:15:22,312 --> 00:15:24,749 It's gonna fly around like crazy. 262 00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:28,753 Your stand-up's gonna look like it was directed by Brian De Palma." 263 00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,977 Oh, dug those movies. When I go to a party-- 264 00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:38,328 [whooping, cheering] 265 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:41,462 W-- I'm sure movies will come up again later. 266 00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,725 But when I go to a party, what I like to do 267 00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,814 is stand by the food and not talk to anyone. 268 00:15:45,857 --> 00:15:49,644 I like to just hang out by the food, watching, 269 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:52,473 you know, eating, drinking, being high. 270 00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:55,215 And this girl comes up to me at a party one time, 271 00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,217 and this is how she starts a conversation 272 00:15:57,260 --> 00:15:59,219 with a guy who doesn't want to have a conversation. 273 00:15:59,262 --> 00:16:03,397 She's like, "I have a three-legged cat." 274 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:05,529 Just blurts that shit out at me. 275 00:16:05,573 --> 00:16:07,575 "I have a three-legged cat." 276 00:16:07,618 --> 00:16:09,403 Three-legged cat! 277 00:16:09,446 --> 00:16:11,971 That's how she starts the conversation 278 00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:14,277 with a guy who doesn't even want to talk to her. 279 00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:16,105 "I have a three-legged cat." 280 00:16:16,149 --> 00:16:18,281 And I responded with too many words, 281 00:16:18,325 --> 00:16:21,110 as stoners are wont to do. 282 00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:24,070 I was like, "So?" 283 00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:27,551 No, there's more than that. 284 00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:30,380 That'd be weird if I said I responded with too many words 285 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:33,296 and then just went with "So?" 286 00:16:33,340 --> 00:16:36,212 It would still be just as rude as what I did say 'cause I was like, 287 00:16:36,256 --> 00:16:40,042 "So? Most cats have three legs when you think about it." 288 00:16:40,086 --> 00:16:42,088 [laughing] 289 00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:44,699 Right? Cats with four legs have three legs 290 00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:48,790 plus one more crucial, pivotal leg. 291 00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:50,792 Cats with three legs have three legs. 292 00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,968 The only cats that don't have three legs 293 00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,145 are the ones with two through zero legs. 294 00:16:56,189 --> 00:17:00,323 And when do you see them walking about out in the world? 295 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:03,500 Never, unless they've got, like, a butt cart. 296 00:17:03,544 --> 00:17:06,025 If they've got, like, a squeaky wheel cart butt 297 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,462 that they can roll in on and creep everybody out 298 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:11,464 while you're trying to have a nice meal with the family 299 00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:15,121 and a nice big plate of yams. 300 00:17:16,731 --> 00:17:18,385 Yeah, that's how I'm ending that one, 301 00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:20,734 on the word "yams." 302 00:17:20,778 --> 00:17:22,998 That's where that one comes to a close. 303 00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:26,480 and gets ah-- odd applause break. 304 00:17:26,522 --> 00:17:31,180 [laughs] The one that it sounds like I dragged out of you. 305 00:17:31,224 --> 00:17:35,315 And that is the end of that routine. 306 00:17:35,358 --> 00:17:37,621 Thank you. Oh, thank you. 307 00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:42,844 Thank you. I didn't know. 308 00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,889 People come up to me all the time after shows, and they're like, 309 00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,848 "I want to give you a joke to use in your act." 310 00:17:46,891 --> 00:17:49,329 And I'm like, "I write my own jokes, but thank you very much." 311 00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:51,418 But this one lady came up to me. 312 00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,333 She was like all decked out, 313 00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:56,727 like a fancy older lady with a turban. 314 00:17:56,771 --> 00:17:59,208 You know, like a white lady with a turban 315 00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,645 and like a necklace and a big scarab 316 00:18:01,689 --> 00:18:05,345 or some sort of bug on her chest. 317 00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:09,262 She seemed really fancy. It was in Tucson, Arizona, of all places. 318 00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:12,134 - Whoo! - Really? "Whoo"? 319 00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:15,920 And she goes, "I have a joke for you." 320 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:20,011 I was like, "There's no way that this lady 321 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:26,496 has a joke that I'm gonna say someday at the Neptune Theatre." 322 00:18:26,540 --> 00:18:28,977 But I had to hear it. I had to know what it was. 323 00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:31,066 So I said, "All right. Let's hear it." And she goes, 324 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,983 "What did the zero--" Now at this point, 325 00:18:35,026 --> 00:18:38,813 I know that she's trying to tell me a riddle. 326 00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:41,032 "What did the--" I already know it's a riddle. 327 00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:43,600 We tell jokes in stand-up comedy, not riddles. 328 00:18:43,644 --> 00:18:46,299 If we told riddles for the entire shows, you guys would be like, 329 00:18:46,342 --> 00:18:48,649 "What? Where? 330 00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:52,087 Who's there? We give up." 331 00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,002 You know, shit like that. 332 00:18:54,045 --> 00:18:56,918 If you wanted to participate, you'd go to a fuckin'-- 333 00:18:56,961 --> 00:18:59,181 you'd go to a dueling piano bar. 334 00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:03,098 You know what I mean? You'd go to like Shout At The Wolf or whatever 335 00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,927 and watch them do their-- 336 00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:08,799 What's the one here called? 337 00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,672 Howl At The Moon. That's what I meant. 338 00:19:11,715 --> 00:19:15,154 But Shout At The Wolf would be, you know, awesome. 339 00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:19,462 That'd be a great bar. Somebody should open Shout At The Wolf bars 340 00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,464 where they just have a wolf in a cage. 341 00:19:21,508 --> 00:19:24,163 You know, you feed him well. 342 00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,556 Take care of that wolf. Be nice to it. 343 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,691 Brush its hair a lot. But then just let people get drunk 344 00:19:30,734 --> 00:19:33,737 and just go up to the cage and just fuckin' speak just drunk 345 00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:35,696 and scream at a wolf. 346 00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:39,656 Just get all of your frustrations out on a wolf. 347 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,616 You know, it might, like, growl back at you or bark back at you, 348 00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:46,968 but, like, you know, it won't want a divorce and take half of your money. 349 00:19:47,011 --> 00:19:48,970 [laughing] 350 00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:53,061 I've never been through a divorce, 351 00:19:53,104 --> 00:19:56,020 but I didn't think that would sound as bitter as it did. 352 00:19:59,415 --> 00:20:02,157 The only way you could get me to go to a dueling piano bar 353 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,854 is if it was to the death. 354 00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:07,249 Like if they were trying to kill each other with pianos 355 00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,991 while playing Billy Joel medleys, 356 00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:12,341 uh, I think that would have been awesome. 357 00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:17,346 So I let the lady finish her shitty riddle joke. 358 00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:19,348 She goes, "What did the zero say to the eight?" 359 00:20:19,392 --> 00:20:22,177 I go, "I give up. What did the zero say to the eight?" 360 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:26,355 And she goes, "Hey, nice belt, fuck face." 361 00:20:26,399 --> 00:20:28,966 [audience laughing, applauding] 362 00:20:36,974 --> 00:20:39,455 She didn't say that. 363 00:20:40,935 --> 00:20:43,503 I fixed her shitty riddle joke. 364 00:20:46,636 --> 00:20:49,552 Turned it into acceptable comedy for a-- 365 00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:51,641 [laughing] 366 00:20:54,253 --> 00:20:58,605 for a water god-themed nightclub 367 00:20:58,648 --> 00:21:01,390 that brings in a bunch of folding chairs 368 00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:05,133 when it's just a guy talking. 369 00:21:05,176 --> 00:21:08,223 [chuckles] I don't think there are any folding chairs in here 370 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:12,227 when the Mighty Mighty Bosstones played. 371 00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:14,229 Did anybody go to that show?[cheering] 372 00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,840 You did? Do they still have a free ride 373 00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:18,668 that just jumps around onstage the whole time, 374 00:21:18,712 --> 00:21:20,322 doesn't play an instrument? 375 00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:22,455 That fuckin' guy. What a lucky guy. 376 00:21:22,498 --> 00:21:24,370 [audience laughing] 377 00:21:24,413 --> 00:21:26,676 I should get one of those for my shows. 378 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:30,724 While I'm telling jokes, there's a guy jumping around, just fuckin'-- 379 00:21:30,767 --> 00:21:35,424 Like, he can listen with headphones or something, just ska out. 380 00:21:35,468 --> 00:21:39,428 Just completely ska-dance the entire time. 381 00:21:39,472 --> 00:21:44,259 Just an idea. You don't have to take it serious. 382 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:47,741 [laughing] 383 00:21:47,784 --> 00:21:53,834 I had to fly-- I had to fly the other day in a tiny plane, 384 00:21:53,877 --> 00:21:56,010 and I hate the tiny planes. 385 00:21:56,053 --> 00:21:58,012 I don't know why I hate-- 386 00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:00,797 Like, I don't know why I think gigantic planes 387 00:22:00,841 --> 00:22:02,843 are less likely to fall out of the sky, 388 00:22:02,886 --> 00:22:06,107 but I try to book Spruce Goose every time. 389 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,370 The tiny planes just terrify me. 390 00:22:08,414 --> 00:22:11,417 The entire flight is like-- [imitating plane engine sputtering] 391 00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,857 Eventually the flight attendant comes over and goes, 392 00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:19,338 "Sir, you're gonna have to stop doing that." 393 00:22:19,381 --> 00:22:21,470 [audience laughing] 394 00:22:21,514 --> 00:22:24,908 And I'm like, "But it calms me." [imitating plane engine] 395 00:22:30,305 --> 00:22:34,440 "Well, you're poking the eye of the gentleman sitting next to you." 396 00:22:34,483 --> 00:22:36,267 "Yeah. That's what calms him." 397 00:22:36,311 --> 00:22:38,400 [imitating plane engine] 398 00:22:46,756 --> 00:22:50,369 "Well, the lady sitting in front of you is complaining of wet neck." 399 00:22:50,412 --> 00:22:53,328 [audience laughing] 400 00:22:53,372 --> 00:22:57,506 Speaking of wet neck, I got a massage recently 401 00:22:57,550 --> 00:23:00,640 at a place that had a sign 402 00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:03,730 that said "Top To Toe Massage." 403 00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,471 Top to toe. 404 00:23:05,514 --> 00:23:08,996 That to me is an all-inclusive experience 405 00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:13,435 from the tippity top to all the way down to the toe zone. 406 00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:16,612 And you know what? Don't even bother with the toe zone. 407 00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:19,702 You don't have to touch my toes. Toes are disgusting. 408 00:23:19,746 --> 00:23:26,143 But everywhere else wants some Action Jackson. 409 00:23:26,187 --> 00:23:31,148 And I'm here to tell you that masseuse was a real dick skipper. 410 00:23:31,192 --> 00:23:34,761 [laughing] 411 00:23:34,804 --> 00:23:37,154 Yeah. 412 00:23:37,198 --> 00:23:41,463 And that's what you should call anyone in this world 413 00:23:41,507 --> 00:23:44,031 that doesn't do a good enough job, 414 00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:47,556 that doesn't give the job offered, doesn't-- 415 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,863 Like when a cab driver picks me up 416 00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,169 and he makes me put my bags in the trunk, 417 00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:55,477 I mutter under my breath, "You goddamn dick skipper. 418 00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,348 [audience laughing] 419 00:23:57,392 --> 00:24:01,483 You're a fuckin' dick skipper." 420 00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:04,051 Like you, dude. What do you do for a living? 421 00:24:04,094 --> 00:24:07,750 - Build airplanes. - You build airplanes. This is perfect. 422 00:24:07,794 --> 00:24:11,362 [audience laughing] 423 00:24:11,406 --> 00:24:13,669 What would you call it if you built an airplane 424 00:24:13,713 --> 00:24:15,671 and didn't put in any seat belts? 425 00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:18,500 You're a dick-- That's right, you're a dick skipper. 426 00:24:24,419 --> 00:24:27,204 [man] Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! 427 00:24:27,248 --> 00:24:29,511 At first I thought she was skipping that area 428 00:24:29,555 --> 00:24:32,383 because I would just quietly whisper the whole time, 429 00:24:32,427 --> 00:24:35,909 "Choke my dick out. 430 00:24:35,952 --> 00:24:38,346 Choke my dick out. 431 00:24:38,389 --> 00:24:40,304 Choke it out. 432 00:24:40,348 --> 00:24:42,393 Choke it." 433 00:24:42,437 --> 00:24:43,873 She'd be like, "You all right?" 434 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:46,746 "Oh, no-- Yeah, I was-- 435 00:24:46,789 --> 00:24:48,617 Smoker, you know. 436 00:24:48,661 --> 00:24:50,793 [coughing] 437 00:24:50,837 --> 00:24:53,492 Choke it." 438 00:24:55,624 --> 00:24:58,105 I don't know why I thought I could get a decent massage 439 00:24:58,148 --> 00:25:02,152 at a kiosk at the airport. 440 00:25:02,196 --> 00:25:05,547 So stupid. 441 00:25:05,591 --> 00:25:07,767 People always ask me how do I travel with weed, 442 00:25:07,810 --> 00:25:09,725 how do I get everywhere with weed. 443 00:25:09,769 --> 00:25:11,901 And it's pretty simple actually. 444 00:25:11,945 --> 00:25:14,251 The answer is edibles, you know. 445 00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:16,036 When it comes to actual flowers, 446 00:25:16,079 --> 00:25:19,169 I count on the kindness of strangers everywhere I go, 447 00:25:19,213 --> 00:25:24,566 because pot smokers are the coolest and the nicest and they hook me up. 448 00:25:24,610 --> 00:25:27,221 [cheering]Yeah. I love it. 449 00:25:27,264 --> 00:25:30,790 But edibles when flying, you know, especially domestically. 450 00:25:30,833 --> 00:25:34,402 Internationally I wouldn't really fuck with anything 'cause you just never know. 451 00:25:34,445 --> 00:25:37,187 But domestically TSA doesn't give a shit 452 00:25:37,231 --> 00:25:39,973 about your, you know, cookies, 453 00:25:40,016 --> 00:25:43,585 breath strips, pills, vapor pens. 454 00:25:43,629 --> 00:25:46,153 You know, vapor pens all look like e-cigs. 455 00:25:46,196 --> 00:25:50,592 Looks like we're all trying to take back our freedom Stephen Dorff-style. 456 00:25:50,636 --> 00:25:53,421 Um... 457 00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:56,380 Yeah, I fly with all that shit all the time. 458 00:25:56,424 --> 00:25:59,688 Blackout X pens-- I fly with them all the time. 459 00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:01,864 They never say a word to me about any of it. 460 00:26:01,908 --> 00:26:04,127 And if they did, how's that even gonna go down? 461 00:26:04,171 --> 00:26:07,435 Is TSA really gonna pull a brownie out of somebody's bag 462 00:26:07,478 --> 00:26:09,393 and be like, "What's this"? 463 00:26:09,437 --> 00:26:13,397 You'd have to be like, "That's a brownie!" 464 00:26:13,441 --> 00:26:15,574 And they'd be like, "What's in this brownie?" 465 00:26:15,617 --> 00:26:19,403 And you'd be like, "You know, brownie fixin's 466 00:26:19,447 --> 00:26:24,234 with all the shit you throw into a bowl to turn it into a brownie, 467 00:26:24,278 --> 00:26:27,020 maybe with a little something extra special." 468 00:26:29,065 --> 00:26:31,764 If they came right out and asked, "Are there drugs in this brownie?" 469 00:26:31,807 --> 00:26:34,897 This is what I would say to them. I'd be like, "I'll tell you what. 470 00:26:34,941 --> 00:26:37,421 Why don't you take a bite 471 00:26:37,465 --> 00:26:42,862 and get back to me in 45 minutes to an hour 472 00:26:42,905 --> 00:26:46,953 when your life has improved tremendously 473 00:26:46,996 --> 00:26:50,739 and you're so happy that you no longer work for the TSA. 474 00:26:50,783 --> 00:26:53,046 [laughing, cheering] 475 00:26:54,221 --> 00:26:56,266 Give me a buzz. 476 00:26:56,310 --> 00:27:00,836 I'll be high on a plane getting to the next town 477 00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:04,057 where more people will get me high." 478 00:27:04,100 --> 00:27:06,363 Yeah. It's crazy. You can't have liquids 479 00:27:06,407 --> 00:27:08,844 when you're going through security at the airport. 480 00:27:08,888 --> 00:27:12,543 No liquids, but you can have any food at all. 481 00:27:12,587 --> 00:27:16,635 So does that mean, like, kind of liquidy foods are okay? 482 00:27:16,678 --> 00:27:20,900 I think so. I think you could take a pan of lasagna 483 00:27:20,943 --> 00:27:22,684 through airport security. 484 00:27:22,728 --> 00:27:24,686 I think you could just throw it in your bag, 485 00:27:24,730 --> 00:27:27,733 and they'd just be like, "What's with this pan of lasagna?" 486 00:27:27,776 --> 00:27:31,737 And you could just be like, "I hate Mondays." You know? 487 00:27:33,739 --> 00:27:35,654 Leave it at that. 488 00:27:38,918 --> 00:27:40,876 I've been caught about four times 489 00:27:40,920 --> 00:27:43,923 in my history of smoking weed in hotel rooms. 490 00:27:43,966 --> 00:27:46,882 I've been fined or yelled at 491 00:27:46,926 --> 00:27:49,842 or thrown out of the hotel a total of about four times, 492 00:27:49,885 --> 00:27:52,366 which I think is an amazing batting average 493 00:27:52,409 --> 00:27:54,585 for like thousands of hotel stays. 494 00:27:54,629 --> 00:27:56,587 You know, I'm serious about it. 495 00:27:56,631 --> 00:28:01,157 I put a wet towel in the crack of the door leading into the hallway 496 00:28:01,201 --> 00:28:03,812 so that that smell that's so great 497 00:28:03,856 --> 00:28:06,902 doesn't offend any A-holes walking by. 498 00:28:06,946 --> 00:28:09,470 Like, that first time I got caught, 499 00:28:09,513 --> 00:28:11,124 I didn't even know what was happening. 500 00:28:11,167 --> 00:28:14,431 There was an extra charge of $200 on my credit card bill. 501 00:28:14,475 --> 00:28:16,390 And I got all fired up. 502 00:28:16,433 --> 00:28:19,698 "Oh, they charged me for an extra night, that damn hotel. 503 00:28:19,741 --> 00:28:22,396 I gonna call them up and give them the what-for." 504 00:28:22,439 --> 00:28:25,268 And I called them up, and the guy comes on. 505 00:28:25,312 --> 00:28:29,229 I'm like, "Hey, man, what's this extra $200 charge on my bill?" 506 00:28:29,272 --> 00:28:31,361 And he says, 507 00:28:31,405 --> 00:28:35,714 "That's because you smoked in your room." 508 00:28:35,757 --> 00:28:37,933 Oh, no. 509 00:28:37,977 --> 00:28:40,588 Now I had to think fast. 510 00:28:40,631 --> 00:28:42,764 I had to say just the right thing. 511 00:28:42,808 --> 00:28:46,376 And I think I did because I said, 512 00:28:46,420 --> 00:28:48,378 "No, I didn't." 513 00:28:48,422 --> 00:28:50,511 [audience laughing] 514 00:28:52,992 --> 00:28:55,168 But he came back hard... 515 00:28:58,127 --> 00:29:01,652 'cause he was like, "The housekeeper smelled it." 516 00:29:01,696 --> 00:29:05,134 To which I had to say, 517 00:29:05,178 --> 00:29:07,789 "Maybe she dealt it." 518 00:29:07,833 --> 00:29:10,183 Had to say it, you guys. 519 00:29:13,142 --> 00:29:16,885 That's probably the best $200 I ever spent 520 00:29:16,929 --> 00:29:21,368 to say an extremely juvenile comment 521 00:29:21,411 --> 00:29:23,979 to just some dude doing his job. 522 00:29:24,023 --> 00:29:26,460 But I don't want to say what hotel chain it was, 523 00:29:26,503 --> 00:29:30,029 but it was not cool of them to do that. 524 00:29:30,072 --> 00:29:32,727 I mean, it was not rad. 525 00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:36,818 It was not... rad at all. 526 00:29:36,862 --> 00:29:39,908 It was not rad, son. 527 00:29:39,952 --> 00:29:41,997 Not rad, son! 528 00:29:46,306 --> 00:29:48,438 The next time I get caught smoking in my room, 529 00:29:48,482 --> 00:29:51,659 I'm throwing down the gauntlet right here on this special. 530 00:29:51,702 --> 00:29:54,444 The next time I get caught smoking in my room in a hotel, 531 00:29:54,488 --> 00:29:57,143 when I find out about it, I'm gonna go back to that hotel, 532 00:29:57,186 --> 00:29:58,753 even if I have to travel. 533 00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:01,364 I'm gonna fly back to that fuckin' town 534 00:30:01,408 --> 00:30:03,671 and go to that hotel and I'm gonna be like, 535 00:30:03,714 --> 00:30:07,414 "I want to be there when the cleaning crew comes in. 536 00:30:07,457 --> 00:30:10,460 When the professional cleaners comes in here, 537 00:30:10,504 --> 00:30:13,420 like when Stanley Steemer shows up, 538 00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:15,901 I want to be here and watch it happen. 539 00:30:15,944 --> 00:30:19,818 I want to watch them smell the room and wonder why they're doing this, 540 00:30:19,861 --> 00:30:22,168 because the marijuana smell that I left in there 541 00:30:22,211 --> 00:30:24,779 went away a few hours after I was gone. 542 00:30:24,823 --> 00:30:28,783 And then I want to just watch them do it, if they go through with it, 543 00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:33,309 and I'll just stand in the corner quietly, not bothering anybody, 544 00:30:33,353 --> 00:30:37,531 you know, just-- just masturbating, 545 00:30:37,574 --> 00:30:42,188 you know, to prove that worse things happen in hotel rooms 546 00:30:42,231 --> 00:30:44,320 than a little weed-smoking. 547 00:30:44,364 --> 00:30:47,889 I mean, you know, I blow the smoke out the window. 548 00:30:47,933 --> 00:30:51,588 I don't, like, throw it all over the carpet 549 00:30:51,632 --> 00:30:55,201 and the bedspread and the drapes. 550 00:30:55,244 --> 00:30:57,856 I aim that shit. 551 00:31:00,380 --> 00:31:02,773 Stanley Steemer-- that just cracks me up anyway. 552 00:31:02,817 --> 00:31:07,300 Like, I don't know how long I've known what a Cleveland steamer is. 553 00:31:07,343 --> 00:31:09,345 But for as long as I've known what that is, 554 00:31:09,389 --> 00:31:11,782 whenever I see Stanley Steemer on television, 555 00:31:11,826 --> 00:31:14,394 I just giggle to myself 556 00:31:14,437 --> 00:31:17,049 because it's like-- 557 00:31:17,092 --> 00:31:21,314 I just think that, you know, somebody named Stanley comes over 558 00:31:21,357 --> 00:31:24,404 and just shits on your carpet. 559 00:31:24,447 --> 00:31:27,015 A dude named Stanley has diarrhea, 560 00:31:27,059 --> 00:31:31,759 and he kind of shows up and does his thing. 561 00:31:31,802 --> 00:31:36,024 Or Stan Lee, the creator of Spiderman, 562 00:31:36,068 --> 00:31:41,987 he comes over and just slings webs of shit everywhere. 563 00:31:42,030 --> 00:31:44,032 It's a real shame, too, 564 00:31:44,076 --> 00:31:47,601 because that rug tied the whole room together. 565 00:31:47,644 --> 00:31:49,255 [lady] Whoo! 566 00:31:53,868 --> 00:31:57,132 There's a sign at the Jacuzzi where I live. 567 00:31:57,176 --> 00:32:02,616 There's a Jacuzzi on the roof. Yeah, I'm crazy fancy. 568 00:32:02,659 --> 00:32:06,707 And there's a sign by the Jacuzzi that says 569 00:32:06,750 --> 00:32:11,712 no one's allowed in the Jacuzzi if they have active diarrhea. 570 00:32:14,236 --> 00:32:16,978 Which-- I get that. I get it. 571 00:32:17,022 --> 00:32:20,025 Because-- You know what? When you have active diarrhea, 572 00:32:20,068 --> 00:32:23,854 like, your agenda is probably filled with sitting in hot water 573 00:32:23,898 --> 00:32:29,251 and reading about whether or not you can sit in that hot water. 574 00:32:29,295 --> 00:32:33,908 It even said "if you've had active diarrhea in the last 14 days." 575 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:36,650 Well, okay, now you're confusing me with this-- 576 00:32:36,693 --> 00:32:39,348 Is it active or was it 14 days ago? 577 00:32:39,392 --> 00:32:42,308 And is 14 days still active? 578 00:32:42,351 --> 00:32:45,006 "Oh, I had diarrhea 14 days ago, you guys. 579 00:32:45,050 --> 00:32:47,704 It's pretty much active still. 580 00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:51,491 So I'm gonna have to sit out on this-- on this orgy. 581 00:32:53,275 --> 00:32:55,799 I'm gonna have to shit out on this one." 582 00:32:59,673 --> 00:33:03,024 So I was sitting in a Jacuzzi full of shit, 583 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:08,029 and this bee comes over, starts hovering around my head. 584 00:33:08,073 --> 00:33:10,292 And I'm like, "What?" 585 00:33:12,729 --> 00:33:15,863 There's nowhere to run when you're sitting in a Jacuzzi. 586 00:33:15,906 --> 00:33:20,259 It was me or the bee. Don't tell PETA about this routine, 587 00:33:20,302 --> 00:33:25,046 or BETA, but I grabbed a towel, 588 00:33:25,090 --> 00:33:28,267 dipped the end of it in the hot water and just sort of-- 589 00:33:28,310 --> 00:33:31,357 [imitates towel snapping] just sort of snapped that bee. 590 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,534 After a couple of tries, I finally snapped it into oblivion, 591 00:33:34,577 --> 00:33:38,407 far and away to the edge of tomorrow 592 00:33:38,451 --> 00:33:40,888 and other Tom Cruise films... 593 00:33:45,153 --> 00:33:49,288 [laughs] and went back to Jacuzzi-ing. 594 00:33:49,331 --> 00:33:53,118 I "Jacuzz" you of murder. No, I went back to... 595 00:33:53,161 --> 00:33:55,120 just sitting there in the hot water. 596 00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:57,600 And I like it. It's good for your aching. 597 00:33:57,644 --> 00:34:00,777 So... 598 00:34:00,821 --> 00:34:03,563 a few minutes later, another bee shows up. 599 00:34:03,606 --> 00:34:06,740 Yeah. And I was high. 600 00:34:06,783 --> 00:34:08,916 Oh, yeah, I was high. 601 00:34:08,958 --> 00:34:10,960 But I swear to you 602 00:34:11,005 --> 00:34:13,355 that bee said to me, 603 00:34:15,574 --> 00:34:18,012 [Spanish accent] "My name is Inigo Montoya. 604 00:34:18,056 --> 00:34:20,928 [audience laughing, scattered applause] 605 00:34:20,971 --> 00:34:23,277 You killed my father. 606 00:34:25,150 --> 00:34:29,284 Prepare to be uncomfortable 607 00:34:29,328 --> 00:34:32,373 for a period of time, 608 00:34:32,418 --> 00:34:36,596 depending on what kind of ointments and salves 609 00:34:36,639 --> 00:34:39,251 are in your possession. 610 00:34:39,293 --> 00:34:42,993 Also, use Nasonex 611 00:34:43,036 --> 00:34:46,606 because I am the Nasonex bee. 612 00:34:46,649 --> 00:34:48,303 I am also Puss in Boots." 613 00:34:48,347 --> 00:34:51,958 I love to do--[audience laughing] 614 00:34:52,002 --> 00:34:54,309 I love to do silly voices. 615 00:34:54,353 --> 00:34:56,529 Ever since I saw Borat, 616 00:34:56,572 --> 00:35:00,054 whenever someone says the words "my wife," 617 00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:02,230 I immediately have to respond with: 618 00:35:02,274 --> 00:35:04,363 [imitating Borat] my wife! 619 00:35:04,406 --> 00:35:08,149 It is like a disease. It's like I have "my wife" Tourrete's 620 00:35:08,193 --> 00:35:11,283 where I just cannot not say it. 621 00:35:11,326 --> 00:35:13,850 [laughs] But I'm worried. 622 00:35:13,894 --> 00:35:17,506 I worry about it a little bit. I've said it a few times in weird situations. 623 00:35:17,550 --> 00:35:21,249 And I'm worried at some point I'm gonna be at a funeral, you know, 624 00:35:21,293 --> 00:35:23,991 and somebody's gonna be delivering the eulogy-- "I miss my wife." 625 00:35:24,034 --> 00:35:26,036 [imitating Borat] My wife! 626 00:35:26,080 --> 00:35:28,082 [audience laughing] 627 00:35:29,910 --> 00:35:33,043 Come on. Lighten up, everybody. 628 00:35:33,087 --> 00:35:37,657 Life goes on for everybody outside that box. 629 00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:40,877 Come on. Let's think outside the box. 630 00:35:43,750 --> 00:35:47,014 Never said that before. It's going into the special. 631 00:35:47,057 --> 00:35:52,193 I don't give a shit that some of you were horrified by it. 632 00:35:55,370 --> 00:36:00,114 Who's the girl with the sunglasses on? How high are you? 633 00:36:00,158 --> 00:36:03,813 Holy shit. You're not Jack Nicholson. 634 00:36:06,251 --> 00:36:09,210 You're not Robin Thicke. 635 00:36:09,254 --> 00:36:11,908 You're high. 636 00:36:11,952 --> 00:36:15,477 Who else has shades on? No one else has shades on. 637 00:36:15,521 --> 00:36:17,479 She going to be like, "I'm blind." 638 00:36:21,222 --> 00:36:23,442 Hey, lady, when's the baby due? "What baby?" 639 00:36:23,485 --> 00:36:25,879 You know, that kind of thing. 640 00:36:28,186 --> 00:36:31,754 That's why I only talk to the crowd through Twitter. 641 00:36:33,626 --> 00:36:37,847 I only make fun of what they wrote, not how they look. 642 00:36:37,891 --> 00:36:41,503 I'm sure some of you have been driven crazy by my Bane impression. 643 00:36:41,547 --> 00:36:46,552 I love to do Bane from Dark Knight Rises. 644 00:36:46,595 --> 00:36:48,206 Yeah. 645 00:36:48,249 --> 00:36:51,774 [imitating Bane] "Take control, Seattle. 646 00:36:51,818 --> 00:36:57,258 Take control of your sunglass-wearing hipsters. 647 00:36:57,302 --> 00:37:00,043 They need your help. 648 00:37:00,087 --> 00:37:02,916 They can't live outside of the shadows. 649 00:37:05,310 --> 00:37:08,617 I'm familiar with the shadows. You know why? 650 00:37:08,661 --> 00:37:11,359 'Cause I was born there, 651 00:37:11,403 --> 00:37:13,056 in the shadows." 652 00:37:13,100 --> 00:37:14,754 All right. Shut up about this Bane. 653 00:37:14,797 --> 00:37:16,669 Enough about the fucking shadows. 654 00:37:16,712 --> 00:37:19,976 "Oh, would you like to be in the shadows? 655 00:37:20,020 --> 00:37:23,589 I can put you in a box. 656 00:37:23,632 --> 00:37:28,246 I could put you near a fox. 657 00:37:28,289 --> 00:37:31,118 I could feed you some lox. 658 00:37:35,818 --> 00:37:39,779 Or listen to Kesha's tik toks." 659 00:37:41,346 --> 00:37:43,217 Oh, Bane, I didn't know you had 660 00:37:43,261 --> 00:37:45,306 such a wide variety of references, 661 00:37:45,350 --> 00:37:48,527 from Dr. Seuss to Kesha. 662 00:37:48,570 --> 00:37:51,269 [gasps] Oh! Oh, Bane! 663 00:37:53,967 --> 00:37:55,708 I also like doing an impression 664 00:37:55,751 --> 00:37:58,363 of that serial killer dude from Silence of the Lambs. 665 00:37:58,406 --> 00:38:01,583 It's the most terrifying character of all time. The guy that's like-- 666 00:38:01,627 --> 00:38:05,544 [low nasal voice] "Is she a great big fat person?" 667 00:38:05,587 --> 00:38:08,329 That fuckin' scary guy? 668 00:38:08,373 --> 00:38:10,331 The guy in that movie that's like, 669 00:38:10,375 --> 00:38:13,813 "Could you help me put this chair in the back of this van?" 670 00:38:13,856 --> 00:38:18,687 I'm paraphrasing on that one. But he gets a woman to help him with a chair. 671 00:38:18,731 --> 00:38:22,691 Like, why would she say yes to the most terrifying voice? 672 00:38:22,735 --> 00:38:25,694 "Hey, could I murder you later 673 00:38:25,738 --> 00:38:27,957 and get another quick favor?" 674 00:38:28,001 --> 00:38:31,918 You know, like, why wouldn't she just start running and screaming 675 00:38:31,961 --> 00:38:34,050 and not wanting to have anything to do with the guy? 676 00:38:34,094 --> 00:38:36,705 And if she does help him, if you're that much of a good Samaritan 677 00:38:36,749 --> 00:38:40,753 that you have to help the creepiest guy on the face of the planet 678 00:38:40,796 --> 00:38:42,842 get his chair into the back of the van, 679 00:38:42,885 --> 00:38:47,368 take the side of the chair that's outside the van 680 00:38:47,412 --> 00:38:49,544 and back him up into it 681 00:38:49,588 --> 00:38:51,459 'cause then he'll just be like, 682 00:38:51,503 --> 00:38:53,374 "Oh, okay. 683 00:38:53,418 --> 00:38:55,333 Uh, all right. 684 00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:58,553 I wanted to trap you up in here 685 00:38:58,597 --> 00:39:00,773 and, uh, then take you home 686 00:39:00,816 --> 00:39:04,080 and-- and wear your skin. 687 00:39:04,124 --> 00:39:08,041 But, uh, at least I got this chair in the van. 688 00:39:08,084 --> 00:39:10,652 So thank you for that. 689 00:39:10,696 --> 00:39:14,787 I could knock that off of my to-do list. 690 00:39:14,830 --> 00:39:19,748 Next up, dancing with my dick between my legs." 691 00:39:25,450 --> 00:39:28,757 [laughing] 692 00:39:28,801 --> 00:39:32,326 Do you ever know what happened to that guy from that movie? 693 00:39:32,370 --> 00:39:35,373 He was on Monk, I think. Yeah he was on Monk for a while. 694 00:39:35,416 --> 00:39:37,679 And also he does voiceover work. 695 00:39:37,723 --> 00:39:40,421 I don't know if you knew this. He is the voice-- 696 00:39:40,465 --> 00:39:44,077 Every time they go to commercial on that show on Fox 697 00:39:44,120 --> 00:39:46,819 that plays every summer for like the last decade-- 698 00:39:46,862 --> 00:39:48,821 It's called So You Think You Can Dance. 699 00:39:48,864 --> 00:39:51,258 Every time-- I've caught glimpses of it. 700 00:39:51,301 --> 00:39:54,130 I like dance okay. I don't really watch it that much, 701 00:39:54,174 --> 00:39:57,873 but I've seen enough, and you've all seen enough, to know-- 702 00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:59,962 Now you're gonna realize it. I'm helping you out. 703 00:40:00,006 --> 00:40:02,791 704 00:40:02,835 --> 00:40:04,706 Because he's the voice-- 705 00:40:04,750 --> 00:40:06,708 Every time they go to commercial on that show, 706 00:40:06,752 --> 00:40:11,104 it's him going, "So You Think You Can Dance. 707 00:40:11,147 --> 00:40:12,932 Oh, yeah, you think you can dance? 708 00:40:12,975 --> 00:40:15,021 I'll show you how to dance. 709 00:40:15,064 --> 00:40:17,284 I will tuck my penis between my legs, 710 00:40:17,327 --> 00:40:20,722 and I will fucking dance. 711 00:40:20,766 --> 00:40:23,725 We'll be back after these words from Pillsbury." 712 00:40:23,769 --> 00:40:26,380 [audience laughing] 713 00:40:26,424 --> 00:40:29,078 Pillsbury. I don't know why I picked that. 714 00:40:29,122 --> 00:40:30,645 [high-pitched voice] Hee hee hee! 715 00:40:30,689 --> 00:40:33,474 Hee hee hee hee-hee-hee! Hee hee! 716 00:40:33,518 --> 00:40:35,781 But now I'd like to present to you, 717 00:40:35,824 --> 00:40:37,957 Neptune Theatre in Seattle, 718 00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:40,568 my latest creation. 719 00:40:40,612 --> 00:40:44,790 [man] Whoo! It's about that exciting. 720 00:40:44,833 --> 00:40:47,401 This is Bane Gumb. 721 00:40:47,445 --> 00:40:50,926 Bane Gumb. Here we go. 722 00:40:50,970 --> 00:40:53,712 [snickers] 723 00:40:53,755 --> 00:40:56,976 "It puts the lotion on its skin, 724 00:40:57,019 --> 00:41:00,588 or else it gets the hose... 725 00:41:00,632 --> 00:41:03,373 again." 726 00:41:03,417 --> 00:41:05,898 [high-pitched screaming] 727 00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,511 "Help! 728 00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:12,252 Help!" 729 00:41:12,295 --> 00:41:15,560 "What a lovely, lovely voice." 730 00:41:15,603 --> 00:41:19,738 [laughing, scattered applause] 731 00:41:19,781 --> 00:41:22,523 Oh, stop it.[cheering] 732 00:41:28,703 --> 00:41:32,359 I sit in traffic a lot in Los Angeles where I live. You know, a lot of traffic. 733 00:41:32,402 --> 00:41:36,189 I try to get around the traffic by listening to traffic radio. 734 00:41:36,232 --> 00:41:39,975 I'll hear the news, hear what's going on in the world, 735 00:41:40,019 --> 00:41:45,067 all that shit that I can't possibly stop, can't possibly help. 736 00:41:45,111 --> 00:41:50,377 But I can, you know, get high and try not to worry about it. 737 00:41:50,420 --> 00:41:55,730 But the traffic reports are so helpful at getting around things. 738 00:41:55,774 --> 00:41:57,558 But there's a station in L.A. 739 00:41:57,602 --> 00:42:03,042 They recently added a third traffic chop-ter 740 00:42:03,085 --> 00:42:05,784 that was going--[audience laughing] 741 00:42:05,827 --> 00:42:08,917 Yeah, "chop-ter." 742 00:42:08,961 --> 00:42:13,661 My brain couldn't decide between "chopper" and "copter" quick enough, 743 00:42:13,705 --> 00:42:17,186 so I coined a new expression called a "chop-ter." 744 00:42:17,230 --> 00:42:22,365 And this station, they get a new kick-ass chop-ter, 745 00:42:22,409 --> 00:42:24,977 and they're all fuckin' psyched about it. 746 00:42:25,020 --> 00:42:27,980 They're super cocky about their new chop-ter. 747 00:42:28,023 --> 00:42:32,506 And they put out a commercial that I think only aired on the station once, 748 00:42:32,550 --> 00:42:35,074 when I was listening or imagining it, 749 00:42:35,117 --> 00:42:38,904 because they probably realized their mistake 750 00:42:38,947 --> 00:42:41,863 after somebody else at the station heard it. 751 00:42:41,907 --> 00:42:45,867 But some guy came on the air and said, 752 00:42:45,911 --> 00:42:48,653 "KNX Newsradio--." 753 00:42:48,696 --> 00:42:52,787 Oh, I wonder if we're gonna have to bleep out that part for the TV special 754 00:42:52,831 --> 00:42:55,616 or if I can be that specific. 755 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:58,880 You know what, you guys? Let's try not to worry about it. 756 00:42:58,924 --> 00:43:01,100 [audience laughing] 757 00:43:02,797 --> 00:43:05,670 "KNX Newsradio. 758 00:43:05,713 --> 00:43:09,369 Triple-teaming your traffic troubles." 759 00:43:09,412 --> 00:43:12,502 [laughing] 760 00:43:12,546 --> 00:43:15,636 "Hey, yeah, Larry, can I have a chat with you for a second? 761 00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:18,291 Yeah, just step into the break room with me for a second. 762 00:43:18,334 --> 00:43:20,641 Yeah, you can grab a coffee while I tell you. 763 00:43:20,685 --> 00:43:24,384 Uh, listen, man. 'Triple-teaming your traffic troubles,' 764 00:43:24,427 --> 00:43:29,302 that sounds like, uh, dicks are being put in the, uh... 765 00:43:29,345 --> 00:43:34,699 mouth, vagina and asshole of people's traffic troubles. 766 00:43:34,742 --> 00:43:38,398 So, um, you know what? Let's just take all the dicks out. 767 00:43:38,441 --> 00:43:41,053 Let's not put any dicks in anything, 768 00:43:41,096 --> 00:43:44,230 and let's just go back to work and pretend this never happened." 769 00:43:46,536 --> 00:43:48,626 Let's check in on the Twitter, you guys, 770 00:43:48,669 --> 00:43:51,541 see how you guys are doing out there tweeting to me. 771 00:43:51,585 --> 00:43:53,805 I haven't noticed anybody tweeting. 772 00:43:53,848 --> 00:43:57,460 Did anybody tweet at me during that last part of the show? 773 00:43:57,504 --> 00:44:02,640 "No. We're just sitting, trying to enjoy the show. 774 00:44:02,683 --> 00:44:06,948 Like you said, if we wanted to participate we'd go to Shout At The Wolf." 775 00:44:06,992 --> 00:44:08,994 [audience laughing] 776 00:44:09,037 --> 00:44:12,432 Fuckin' somebody's gotta start a Shout At The Wolf. 777 00:44:14,608 --> 00:44:16,349 All right. Let's see here. 778 00:44:16,392 --> 00:44:19,221 Where is... 779 00:44:19,265 --> 00:44:21,136 uh-- [chuckles] 780 00:44:21,180 --> 00:44:23,443 Nina Botts? 781 00:44:23,486 --> 00:44:25,575 [audience members cheering] 782 00:44:25,619 --> 00:44:30,668 All right. No wonder it's plural. There's more than one of you. 783 00:44:30,711 --> 00:44:32,582 You wrote... 784 00:44:38,545 --> 00:44:41,461 [audience laughing] 785 00:44:45,900 --> 00:44:47,946 'Cause I screamed earlier 786 00:44:47,989 --> 00:44:50,035 and that just made you laugh? 787 00:44:50,078 --> 00:44:53,734 'Cause that was pretend. 788 00:44:53,778 --> 00:44:56,998 I wasn't really trapped in a well 789 00:44:57,042 --> 00:45:01,220 by a guy with his dick out and a Bane mask on. 790 00:45:01,263 --> 00:45:03,526 [laughing] 791 00:45:03,570 --> 00:45:06,616 As much as I would like to be. 792 00:45:06,660 --> 00:45:10,533 What? [laughing] 793 00:45:10,577 --> 00:45:14,146 Oh, shit. People say I'm the Charles Nelson Reilly about midnight. 794 00:45:14,189 --> 00:45:17,802 But I'm just like-- That guy, I don't take-- 795 00:45:17,845 --> 00:45:20,152 I-- I don't have a-- 796 00:45:21,893 --> 00:45:24,417 [audience laughing] Let's just leave it at that. 797 00:45:24,460 --> 00:45:27,594 You guys know what I meant. 798 00:45:27,637 --> 00:45:31,119 When it comes to having sex with men, I'm a real dick skipper. 799 00:45:31,163 --> 00:45:33,687 [laughing, applauding] 800 00:45:38,779 --> 00:45:41,086 Where's... 801 00:45:41,129 --> 00:45:43,131 Mike Bergerson? 802 00:45:43,175 --> 00:45:47,092 Hey, man. What's going on? 803 00:45:48,528 --> 00:45:50,443 You wrote... 804 00:45:57,058 --> 00:45:59,495 [laughing] 805 00:46:02,672 --> 00:46:04,805 [audience applauding] 806 00:46:04,849 --> 00:46:07,765 Yeah, get a good shot of the shame. 807 00:46:10,332 --> 00:46:12,117 Oh, come on, Neptune. 808 00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:15,860 Didn't you see the sign about active dee-i-orrhea? 809 00:46:15,903 --> 00:46:19,515 Holy cow, it's dee-i-orrhea. 810 00:46:19,559 --> 00:46:21,691 Get out of the Jacuzzi, everyone. 811 00:46:21,735 --> 00:46:25,173 It's dee-i-orrhea. 812 00:46:25,217 --> 00:46:28,960 It's dee-i-orrhea time. 813 00:46:29,003 --> 00:46:31,745 All right. Well, thanks for that, that one. 814 00:46:31,789 --> 00:46:35,227 That one really saved the bit. Yeah. 815 00:46:36,881 --> 00:46:38,926 That's really good to go. 816 00:46:43,452 --> 00:46:45,411 Here's something I just wrote down. 817 00:46:45,454 --> 00:46:48,370 Just randomly wrote it down one day. 818 00:46:48,414 --> 00:46:50,329 "Parades--." 819 00:46:50,372 --> 00:46:53,114 You know parades, right? 820 00:46:53,158 --> 00:46:56,291 You're wearing purple. You know about parades. 821 00:46:56,335 --> 00:46:59,860 "Parades are people who are waving while moving 822 00:46:59,904 --> 00:47:03,733 at people who are waving while staying in one place." 823 00:47:03,777 --> 00:47:06,214 [audience laughing] 824 00:47:06,258 --> 00:47:10,218 It might be a haiku. 825 00:47:10,262 --> 00:47:12,264 And then just below that I wrote: 826 00:47:12,307 --> 00:47:14,309 "Fuck parades." 827 00:47:14,353 --> 00:47:16,398 [laughing] 828 00:47:19,097 --> 00:47:22,056 I'd go to a fuck parade. 829 00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,406 Are you kidding me? 830 00:47:24,450 --> 00:47:28,193 Those people, they have a reason to be waving. 831 00:47:28,236 --> 00:47:31,413 They're either in or watching a fuck parade. 832 00:47:33,676 --> 00:47:35,809 Whoo! 833 00:47:35,853 --> 00:47:37,855 Do it! 834 00:47:37,898 --> 00:47:39,987 That actually would be kind of creepy. 835 00:47:42,076 --> 00:47:45,427 People who are having sex don't want a guy standing nearby-- 836 00:47:48,604 --> 00:47:51,390 Get it, get it, get it! 837 00:47:51,433 --> 00:47:55,089 [chuckles] Um, so... 838 00:47:55,133 --> 00:47:57,744 the, uh-- What do they call it? 839 00:47:57,787 --> 00:48:00,442 The D.E.A. 840 00:48:00,486 --> 00:48:02,662 I couldn't think of a more delicate way to get into-- 841 00:48:02,705 --> 00:48:06,448 How do you get from parades to the D.E.A.? 842 00:48:06,492 --> 00:48:11,062 But the D.E.A. has, you know-- 843 00:48:11,105 --> 00:48:13,934 They've scheduled marijuana 844 00:48:13,978 --> 00:48:18,373 as a number one narcotic. 845 00:48:18,417 --> 00:48:21,724 Yeah, schedule one narcotic for like a while now. 846 00:48:21,768 --> 00:48:25,119 And I've been saying publicly that meth and marijuana 847 00:48:25,163 --> 00:48:27,948 are both schedule one, that they're in the same boat, 848 00:48:27,992 --> 00:48:30,211 and that they don't belong in the same boat, 849 00:48:30,255 --> 00:48:35,825 but I'd like to put them in the same boat with a tiger and an Indian boy 850 00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:37,958 and see what happens. 851 00:48:38,002 --> 00:48:41,135 You know, see what gets eaten first. 852 00:48:41,179 --> 00:48:44,617 Oh, sidebar. Have you guys ever tried, 853 00:48:44,660 --> 00:48:47,054 uh, endangered tiger meat? 854 00:48:47,098 --> 00:48:49,535 Have you ever-- Has anybody ever eaten it? 855 00:48:49,578 --> 00:48:52,799 I've had tiger meat lasagna, 856 00:48:52,842 --> 00:48:56,977 and I had a tiger meat sandwich one time. 857 00:48:57,021 --> 00:48:59,719 I'm here to tell you about both of those things. 858 00:48:59,762 --> 00:49:02,330 [imitating Tony the Tiger] They're great! 859 00:49:02,374 --> 00:49:04,158 [laughing] 860 00:49:04,202 --> 00:49:06,552 Yeah, that's it. 861 00:49:06,595 --> 00:49:08,684 That is officially probably the dumbest joke 862 00:49:08,728 --> 00:49:10,686 that you'll hear this evening. 863 00:49:10,730 --> 00:49:13,167 Yeah, but it turns out-- 864 00:49:13,211 --> 00:49:15,387 But it turns out 865 00:49:15,430 --> 00:49:18,694 that marijuana is a schedule one narcotic 866 00:49:18,738 --> 00:49:21,175 and meth is a schedule two. 867 00:49:21,219 --> 00:49:25,005 Like, marijuana is considered to be much worse than meth 868 00:49:25,049 --> 00:49:27,225 by the D.E.A. 869 00:49:27,268 --> 00:49:29,401 You know, the bottom line is 870 00:49:29,444 --> 00:49:33,057 I get high and watch Breaking Bad, 871 00:49:33,100 --> 00:49:36,103 I don't watch Weeds on meth. 872 00:49:36,147 --> 00:49:38,627 [audience laughing] 873 00:49:38,671 --> 00:49:42,501 Yeah. I'm serious about that.[applauding] 874 00:49:42,544 --> 00:49:44,894 Dead serious. 875 00:49:44,938 --> 00:49:47,549 There's a distinction. 876 00:49:47,593 --> 00:49:49,421 Also, Weeds isn't on anymore. 877 00:49:49,464 --> 00:49:53,338 So when I do meth, I watch Downton Abbey. 878 00:49:53,381 --> 00:49:55,427 Yeah. 879 00:49:55,470 --> 00:49:59,561 And when I get high, I watch just about everything, especially UFC. 880 00:49:59,605 --> 00:50:01,824 I fuckin' love UFC. 881 00:50:01,868 --> 00:50:06,003 And my favorite UFC fighter nickname is-- 882 00:50:06,046 --> 00:50:09,963 There's a guy that calls himself The Mexicutioner. 883 00:50:10,007 --> 00:50:15,534 The Mexicutioner. And it makes me giggle every time I hear it 884 00:50:15,577 --> 00:50:19,364 because it sounds, uh, you know, racist to me. 885 00:50:19,407 --> 00:50:22,584 Like, he chose it, he says it because he's Mexican. 886 00:50:22,628 --> 00:50:26,327 So it's not racist at all. He's Mexican. He's The Mexicutioner. 887 00:50:26,371 --> 00:50:28,155 But The Mexicutioner, to me, 888 00:50:28,199 --> 00:50:31,115 doesn't sound like a Mexican who kills people. 889 00:50:31,158 --> 00:50:33,987 It sounds like-- "Mexicutioner" sounds like 890 00:50:34,031 --> 00:50:36,946 that's somebody who kills Mexicans. 891 00:50:36,990 --> 00:50:39,775 Like The Mexicutioner would be a good nickname, 892 00:50:39,819 --> 00:50:43,431 you know, for a sheriff in Arizona 893 00:50:43,475 --> 00:50:47,261 who'd go by "The Mexicutioner." 894 00:50:47,305 --> 00:50:50,395 And The Mexicutioner, he's got like a gut on him like I do. 895 00:50:50,438 --> 00:50:53,311 He's got a gut going. 896 00:50:53,354 --> 00:50:56,705 And, uh-- Which is cool. He's still bad-ass. 897 00:50:56,749 --> 00:50:59,012 Don't punch me, Mexicutioner. 898 00:50:59,056 --> 00:51:01,275 But... 899 00:51:01,319 --> 00:51:06,541 someone tweeted me, "That guy looks like he Mexicuted a lot of tacos." 900 00:51:06,585 --> 00:51:08,761 That's not a nice thing to say. 901 00:51:08,804 --> 00:51:10,937 I'm sorry I repeated it. 902 00:51:10,980 --> 00:51:15,028 We won't put that Twitter handle onscreen for everybody. 903 00:51:15,072 --> 00:51:17,465 I'm always coming up with slogans for things. 904 00:51:17,509 --> 00:51:21,687 I like to come up with slogans for different things that don't want my slogans. 905 00:51:21,730 --> 00:51:23,776 They're not interested in hearing them. 906 00:51:23,819 --> 00:51:25,734 They just don't want to use them at all, 907 00:51:25,778 --> 00:51:28,824 but I think they're brilliant. 908 00:51:28,868 --> 00:51:31,653 Bank of America. Banking is really scary right now. 909 00:51:31,697 --> 00:51:33,960 So that seems like a simple one, 910 00:51:34,003 --> 00:51:35,875 that they should just address that. 911 00:51:35,918 --> 00:51:37,833 Bank of America, their slogan should be: 912 00:51:37,877 --> 00:51:42,708 "B of A. Be very of A." 913 00:51:42,751 --> 00:51:45,145 [laughing] 914 00:51:45,189 --> 00:51:48,496 Be good around Halloween time. 915 00:51:48,540 --> 00:51:51,151 You know, a ghost could say it. 916 00:51:51,195 --> 00:51:54,067 "Be very of A!" 917 00:51:54,111 --> 00:51:56,156 And he could do that thing that ghosts do. 918 00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:59,812 They, like, scare you with their jazz hands. 919 00:51:59,855 --> 00:52:01,944 [laughing] 920 00:52:01,988 --> 00:52:04,338 And my buddy Joe Rogan, he's always advertising 921 00:52:04,382 --> 00:52:06,819 a thing called a fleshlight. 922 00:52:06,862 --> 00:52:10,127 Yeah. Yeah, they're disgusting. I've never tried it. 923 00:52:10,170 --> 00:52:13,391 It's a flashlight-shaped thing that's been hallowed out. 924 00:52:13,434 --> 00:52:15,958 It does not have flashlight innards. 925 00:52:16,002 --> 00:52:19,919 Guys, don't put your dick in an actual flashlight, 926 00:52:19,962 --> 00:52:23,009 especially with the batteries still in it. 927 00:52:23,052 --> 00:52:27,579 But, seriously, a fleshlight is a product that a lot of people love. 928 00:52:27,622 --> 00:52:30,190 It's, like, flashlight-shaped, 929 00:52:30,234 --> 00:52:33,889 but it has a lady's vagina on the inside. 930 00:52:33,933 --> 00:52:37,110 Like, I guess it's supposed to feel like one. 931 00:52:37,154 --> 00:52:40,679 And then you just put your dick in there, 932 00:52:40,722 --> 00:52:45,597 and then I suppose you take it out and then put it back in again. 933 00:52:45,640 --> 00:52:48,121 And you do that for a while. 934 00:52:48,165 --> 00:52:50,210 And, um-- [chuckles] 935 00:52:50,254 --> 00:52:53,170 I think the perfect slogan for this product is: 936 00:52:53,213 --> 00:52:54,867 "Fleshlight. 937 00:52:54,910 --> 00:52:56,651 Fuck those things." 938 00:52:59,828 --> 00:53:02,091 Yeah. 939 00:53:02,135 --> 00:53:05,573 It's not happening for some reason. 940 00:53:05,617 --> 00:53:08,228 Do you guys watch Getting Doug With High? Have you seen that show? 941 00:53:08,272 --> 00:53:10,187 [cheering] 942 00:53:11,666 --> 00:53:13,668 Thanks for watching. 943 00:53:13,712 --> 00:53:17,455 Or listening. Some people just listen to it, which cracks me up. 944 00:53:17,498 --> 00:53:19,761 Just listening to dudes taking bong rips 945 00:53:19,805 --> 00:53:22,416 and telling long-winded stories. 946 00:53:22,460 --> 00:53:24,462 But I guess it works either way. 947 00:53:24,505 --> 00:53:27,552 And we have these mugs on the table on the show 948 00:53:27,595 --> 00:53:30,772 that say "Getting Doug With High" on them. 949 00:53:30,816 --> 00:53:32,557 It's the show logo. 950 00:53:32,600 --> 00:53:35,951 On the back it's got the video podcast network logo. 951 00:53:35,995 --> 00:53:37,736 [glass rattles]And they're nice, big mugs. 952 00:53:37,779 --> 00:53:41,261 There's no reason to knock your beer bottle over. 953 00:53:41,305 --> 00:53:44,090 Just settle down. 954 00:53:44,133 --> 00:53:48,094 Everybody will get a mug someday if they really want them. 955 00:53:48,137 --> 00:53:50,923 But, apparently, these mugs, they're incredibly coveted. 956 00:53:50,966 --> 00:53:54,187 People want to just sit there with their own mug and their own weed 957 00:53:54,231 --> 00:53:56,276 and watch the show, and I love that. 958 00:53:56,320 --> 00:53:58,583 I love that they want to participate like that. 959 00:53:58,626 --> 00:54:01,934 And I want to get them mugs. So I kept saying to the producer of the show, 960 00:54:01,977 --> 00:54:05,459 "Let's sell some fuckin' mugs. Let's get those mugs out there." 961 00:54:05,503 --> 00:54:08,332 Finally they came to me and said, "On today's show 962 00:54:08,375 --> 00:54:11,422 tell everybody that they can buy some mugs." 963 00:54:11,465 --> 00:54:14,207 And I was like, "All right. Here we go. 964 00:54:14,251 --> 00:54:16,470 By the way, how much are they?" 965 00:54:16,514 --> 00:54:18,690 And they go, "Twenty dollars." 966 00:54:18,733 --> 00:54:20,300 [audience laughs, murmurs] 967 00:54:20,344 --> 00:54:23,912 Yeah, it's a little steep for a fuckin' mug. 968 00:54:23,956 --> 00:54:26,741 But get this. Then they go, 969 00:54:26,785 --> 00:54:29,875 "And it's eight dollars for shipping." 970 00:54:29,918 --> 00:54:33,139 So you're sitting at home somewhere, right? 971 00:54:33,182 --> 00:54:36,229 You want a Getting Doug With Highmug. 972 00:54:36,273 --> 00:54:39,972 Twenty-eight bucks for a fucking mug. 973 00:54:40,015 --> 00:54:44,019 I was like, "That is ridiculous, and nobody is gonna buy these things. 974 00:54:44,063 --> 00:54:46,544 And if they do, good for them. 975 00:54:46,587 --> 00:54:48,415 I mean, I appreciate the support 976 00:54:48,459 --> 00:54:50,417 and that they're willing to spend that much." 977 00:54:50,461 --> 00:54:53,768 A few hours later, after I announced the mugs are on sale, 978 00:54:53,812 --> 00:54:56,771 they tell me, "We've sold out already. 979 00:54:56,815 --> 00:54:58,947 We completely sold out of all the mugs." 980 00:54:58,991 --> 00:55:02,168 I'm like, "At $28 a throw, we're completely sold out?" 981 00:55:02,211 --> 00:55:04,301 They're like, "Yeah, we're completely sold out." 982 00:55:04,344 --> 00:55:06,259 I go, "How many did we have?" 983 00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:09,218 And they go, "Sixty-four." 984 00:55:09,262 --> 00:55:11,699 [audience laughing] 985 00:55:16,878 --> 00:55:20,447 Oh, my God, we're rich. 986 00:55:20,491 --> 00:55:23,929 Holy shit. 987 00:55:23,972 --> 00:55:25,887 Can't believe our luck. 988 00:55:25,931 --> 00:55:29,151 What an amazing windfall 989 00:55:29,195 --> 00:55:31,197 has been bestowed upon us. 990 00:55:31,240 --> 00:55:33,982 [chuckling] 991 00:55:34,026 --> 00:55:37,246 So now we're in a holding pattern where they're gonna make more mugs. 992 00:55:37,290 --> 00:55:41,163 And then we're gonna announce again, "The mugs are back." 993 00:55:41,207 --> 00:55:43,775 And then you guys can go crazy again for the mugs. 994 00:55:43,818 --> 00:55:47,344 We might make a batch of 72 this time, 995 00:55:47,387 --> 00:55:49,171 just go crazy. 996 00:55:49,215 --> 00:55:51,217 Don't turn the mug machine off 997 00:55:51,260 --> 00:55:53,698 for an extra couple of hours. 998 00:55:53,741 --> 00:55:57,397 I don't know how long it takes to make a mug. 999 00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:00,574 I'm not in the mug business. 1000 00:56:00,618 --> 00:56:03,838 I didn't get into this game to sell mugs to people. 1001 00:56:03,882 --> 00:56:07,886 So thank you to everyone who thinks they're worth $28. 1002 00:56:07,929 --> 00:56:10,628 That's a fuckin' pricey mug. 1003 00:56:10,671 --> 00:56:14,022 Where is Hung_Foo? 1004 00:56:14,066 --> 00:56:15,981 [man] Right here. Hung Foo? 1005 00:56:16,024 --> 00:56:19,376 - Yeah. Right on, man. 1006 00:56:19,419 --> 00:56:21,290 You wrote... 1007 00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:24,250 [Hung Foo] Yeah. 1008 00:56:24,293 --> 00:56:26,818 Sir, do you understand how comedy works? 1009 00:56:28,210 --> 00:56:30,735 I have never eaten endangered tiger meat. 1010 00:56:30,778 --> 00:56:32,214 Are you kidding me? 1011 00:56:40,135 --> 00:56:44,139 You wrote another tweet to me. You're active. 1012 00:56:44,183 --> 00:56:46,228 You're an active Twitterer. 1013 00:56:46,272 --> 00:56:48,274 You wrote... 1014 00:56:53,148 --> 00:56:56,456 That's pretty good, man. 1015 00:56:56,500 --> 00:56:59,416 I like that one. 1016 00:56:59,459 --> 00:57:03,376 Where is, uh, don'tkillpeople? 1017 00:57:03,420 --> 00:57:05,291 [laughing] 1018 00:57:05,334 --> 00:57:08,163 That's a pretty sweet name. Pretty sweet Twitter handle. 1019 00:57:08,207 --> 00:57:10,078 I hope a lot of people see it 1020 00:57:10,122 --> 00:57:12,341 'cause that's an important message to get out there. 1021 00:57:12,385 --> 00:57:16,433 Don't kill people. How many followers do you have, don'tkillpeople? 1022 00:57:16,476 --> 00:57:18,391 Oh, you're up to 20. Good job. 1023 00:57:20,611 --> 00:57:23,352 Twenty people that might not kill anybody. 1024 00:57:23,396 --> 00:57:25,572 Some of them might still kill people, 1025 00:57:25,616 --> 00:57:28,662 but at least they might think about it for a second. 1026 00:57:28,706 --> 00:57:32,318 "Remember what don'tkillpeople said to me on Twitter?" 1027 00:57:32,361 --> 00:57:35,234 "I sure do, let'sgokillpeople." 1028 00:57:38,629 --> 00:57:40,848 I'm gonna check that out later tonight 1029 00:57:40,892 --> 00:57:44,678 and see if there's somebody on Twitter called let'sgokillpeople. 1030 00:57:44,722 --> 00:57:47,376 That'd be a messed-up name. 1031 00:57:47,420 --> 00:57:49,117 You wrote... 1032 00:57:53,818 --> 00:57:55,689 [man] Aww. 1033 00:57:55,733 --> 00:57:58,475 It's fine. 1034 00:57:58,518 --> 00:58:01,521 I'm the fuckin' one who's wobbly, dude. 1035 00:58:01,565 --> 00:58:03,523 [cheering] 1036 00:58:10,922 --> 00:58:14,055 I keep moving it around and putting it on the mic cord and shit. 1037 00:58:14,099 --> 00:58:16,536 So, yeah, I've been fucking around with it, 1038 00:58:16,580 --> 00:58:20,279 but they got top-notch equipment here, 1039 00:58:20,322 --> 00:58:25,110 here at the Undersea Room at the Neptune Hotel. 1040 00:58:25,153 --> 00:58:29,636 I just said that 'cause I want some stoners to try to find the Neptune Hotel. 1041 00:58:32,596 --> 00:58:34,554 [cheering] 1042 00:58:34,598 --> 00:58:38,123 Thank you, Seattle! 1043 00:58:38,166 --> 00:58:42,301 You are my Duck Dynasty. 1044 00:58:42,344 --> 00:58:45,086 Let's throw some balls at some ducks. 1045 00:58:45,130 --> 00:58:47,088 [cheering continues] 1046 00:58:47,132 --> 00:58:49,482 ♪♪ [rock] 1047 00:58:58,926 --> 00:59:01,625 Yeah![cheering] 1048 00:59:05,411 --> 00:59:07,239 [cheering] 1049 00:59:08,457 --> 00:59:10,764 Oh![cheering] 1050 00:59:28,521 --> 00:59:30,218 [people chattering] 1051 00:59:30,262 --> 00:59:33,352 Whoo! 1052 00:59:37,269 --> 00:59:39,706 [people chattering] 1053 00:59:42,970 --> 00:59:44,493 [woman] I can see you. 1054 00:59:44,537 --> 00:59:47,627 It's Sunglasses is here. 1055 00:59:47,671 --> 00:59:49,803 She's got her sunglasses on. 1056 00:59:49,847 --> 00:59:51,631 Indoor, outdoor, all the time. 1057 00:59:51,675 --> 00:59:53,502 I wear my sunglasses at night.I love it. 1058 00:59:53,546 --> 00:59:55,548 Oh, that's nice. 1059 00:59:55,592 --> 00:59:57,637 [imitating Borat] That's nice. 1060 00:59:57,681 --> 00:59:59,291 That's nice. My wife. 1061 00:59:59,334 --> 01:00:00,727 My wife, nice wife. 1062 01:00:00,771 --> 01:00:03,251 Talked me into another hit. 1063 01:00:03,295 --> 01:00:05,645 I'd smoke with you, but I got a U.A. on Tuesday. 1064 01:00:05,689 --> 01:00:08,605 Oh, all right. Whatever that means. 1065 01:00:10,650 --> 01:00:14,001 Photo bomb.Oh, my God. Fuckin' ducks. 1066 01:00:14,045 --> 01:00:16,090 That crazy fuckin' duck. 1067 01:00:16,134 --> 01:00:18,527 I can't believe that they're down already. 1068 01:00:18,571 --> 01:00:20,442 Oh! Ducks. 1069 01:00:20,486 --> 01:00:22,444 You can have it. 1070 01:00:22,488 --> 01:00:24,359 [indistinct chatter] 1071 01:00:24,403 --> 01:00:26,971 That guys doesn't even work here. 1072 01:00:27,014 --> 01:00:29,582 He has nothing to do with this place.